forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
