Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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