I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
