I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
