I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
