I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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