I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
