Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
