I didn't shave. On purpose
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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