Princesses don't give blow jobs
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
