Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
