I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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