I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
