Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
