She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
