it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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