Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
