I can text with my tongue
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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