Im at strip club and am horny
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
