gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
