i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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