Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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