I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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