I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
