If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
