On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
