I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
