You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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