So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I AM VODKA MAN
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
