I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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