I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
