I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
