I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
