why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize