remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
