I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
it's like iHOP with fire
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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