Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
