So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I think i got beer on your cat.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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