Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
