she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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