Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
