I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
