I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My vagina just clenched in fear
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
