Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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