Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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