I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
