i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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