My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I feel like death gave me a hand job
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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