i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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