An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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