Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
